Photo By Master Sgt. Jodi Martinez | Senior Airman Nicholas Johnson and his wife, Cindy, create a memorial at a science...... read more read more
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Just below a tree on a hill in a forested nature preserve is a collection of rocks lovingly placed in the shape of a heart. Within these rocks are newly planted orange marigolds and yellow Shasta daisies that tower over a miniature dinosaur toy marked for Logan Robert Johnson.
“When I think of Logan, I think of bright colors like yellow and orange,” said his still grieving mother, Cindy. “He would have liked this very much.”
She and her husband, Senior Airman Nicholas Johnson, lost Logan prematurely in January—just five months into her pregnancy. This homemade memorial marks an event in their life that they never expected to happen ... a life event they could not have dealt with effectively had it not been for their Air Force family they said.
“Sometimes people think that when you experience loss, that you want to be left alone in your grief, but the opposite is true. You want your family to be there to comfort you and help you through this incredibly hard time. Our squadron was our family, and they were there for us,” said Cindy.
These two high school sweethearts moved here in 2013 when Nick got assigned to 375th Civil Engineer Squadron as an electrician after basic training. The Chicago-area natives arrived like many new Airmen with just a few pieces of furniture and dreams of their new life together.
Nick was soon deployed for six months and Cindy kept busy with a fast-food job. Both kept to themselves for awhile, leaning on each other as their own support system and slowly adjusting to life in the military. Then Lt. Col. Scott Bryant assumed command of the squadron, and his wife, Amy—along with Angie Chen, one of the squadron’s Key Spouses—reached out to Cindy to include her in squadron activities when they learned of Nick's impending second deployment.
Amy said, “When I met Nick you could instantly tell how important it was for him to know that his wife would be taken care of, and we reassured him that the Key Spouse team would do just that. We even made notes about their upcoming wedding anniversary as well as Cindy's birthday—both would be celebrated while Nick was deployed.”
A few weeks later the Key Spouses hosted a pre-deployment dinner for families preparing to leave. Cindy's mom was in town and joined them. As the deployment started, Angie would call and text to see how Cindy was doing and keep her informed of events in the squadron and on base. Angie was not one to take no for an answer, and she made sure those under her care got to know her and one another.
Cindy could not have known how much she would rely on them in the coming months. After a year of infertility, Cindy had found out she was pregnant.
“We were so excited! Even though we would spend the pregnancy apart from each other, we knew we could be together when Logan was born. I prepared a nursery, went to the doctor’s appointments and was excited to talk to Nick and show him updates as I progressed,” she said.
It was on Jan. 2 while at work that Cindy felt a strange and then terrible pain. At the hospital she soon learned the devastating news that her cervix was dilating, and it would not be able to support the baby much longer. Dr. Emily Ermis, who had been with her through her infertility, sadly informed her of her medical options.
Cindy transferred to Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis for a second opinion and learned that while some babies can survive at just 22 weeks, with Logan’s undeveloped lungs at 18 weeks it just was not possible. She also learned about a procedure called cervical cerclage that could be performed to close the cervix, but it was not possible in her situation due to medical complications. Amy and Angie drove to St. Louis to be with her until her mother arrived.
Meanwhile an ocean away, Nick learned of the news and informed his supervisors who instantly worked with the Red Cross, both his home-station and deployed first sergeant, and chaplain to get the paperwork and permissions to get him home for emergency leave.
“I wasn’t sure the Air Force would release me for this, but everyone in my chain was on board,” said Nick. “It was a bit of a blur and incredibly long flights to get me home, but I could feel everyone’s prayers on our behalf. At one point I had missed my flight from Germany to Chicago due to weather cancellations, and I was standing in line for the next flight. I just wasn’t feeling right and this lady next to me noticed there was something wrong, and she just prayed for me right there. It was kinda cool.”
He kept his own prayer going: “please [Logan] stay inside ... please let the labor stop ... please let me get home in time to hold my little boy ... please.”
Thanks to everyone’s herculean efforts, he made it to the hospital. Terrified and feeling hopeless, he laid beside his wife to consider their options. They chose not to induce labor, but let Cindy’s body care for Logan for as long as possible. They went home and Nick made a bed for his wife on the main floor of their home since she was on complete bed rest.
They were thankful for each day that held off the birth, secretly trying to get Logan to at least 22 weeks regardless of the medical facts. Members of Nick's shop and the squadron's spouses group organized a meal train and stopped by to visit. Each day was emotionally taxing and then on Jan. 11, Cindy knew the fight would soon be over. Back at the hospital they cried together and prepared for the final moments that would bring Logan into the world.
He was born Jan. 12—the same day as Cindy's birthday. He arrived at 8:22 p.m. and even though he was just half a pound, he had perfect tiny hands and fingers. He had perfect little eyes, a cute button nose and perfectly formed mouth. He looked just like Nick, Cindy would observe.
Not ready to let go, they both took turns holding him, trying to remember all these little details. They got his footprints that day, which are now also inked in their own skin as tattoo reminders of their son.
While they were being consumed with grief, the commander, chief and first sergeant visited Cindy with flowers to celebrate Logan and a “brownie with no icing” for Cindy's birthday—just the way she liked it. It was a moment to smile.
Then a most moving gesture of brotherhood and camaraderie occurred as Nick was told that another Airmen in the unit had volunteered to take his place on his deployment so he wouldn’t have to go back.
“The very day we lost our son, we were gifted with the news that Nick could stay home so we could be together,” said Cindy. “It brought us a lot of comfort knowing we didn’t have to be separated as we grieved.”
They decided to donate Logan's little body to the Tyson Research Center in Eureka, Mo., in honor of Cindy’s grandfather, Robert, who was a scientist.
“I only had three more weeks. Three more weeks before we could have had a fighting chance at life,” she said. “I hope they can find ways to help others in the future.”
It’s on the private and secluded grounds of the Tyson Research Center where the cremated remains of Logan are scattered. There are no formal gravesites or headstones, just small memorials that are individually designed.
“It’s peaceful out here,” said Nick. “We come here every month and add a little something to Logan’s memorial each time we come. We thought he’d like rocks so we just collected rocks and started making our own area for him. We bring little toys or just anything we think he would have liked. We’re learning to work through our grief, and this is one way we are able to recognize our son.”
Because people grieve differently, their first sergeant, Master Sgt. Daniel Libby, suggested they attend a monthly grief counseling session, which is sponsored by Anderson Hospital in Maryville. Cindy said they both still felt terrible after the first two meetings, but by the third meeting the weight seemed to lift off their hearts.
“I’m so thankful that Sergeant Libby recommended grief counseling and this support group for us. We were in no frame of mind to even consider that before, and it has been so helpful. We’ve both grown and have learned to allow each other our own ways of dealing with the loss,” said Nick.
As part of their healing process they’ve also become involved with the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group and hope to create an awareness event on base for all the others who have experienced infant loss.
“It’s not something we [people in general] talk about a lot,” said Cindy. “But statistics show that about 1 in 4 pregnancies result in loss. These are children we plan for and hope for. We have not forgotten them and during mid-October there are walks held and candles that can be lit in remembrance of our children. We’re hoping that maybe we can build a little nature trail on base or hold a walk on base to help raise awareness. It’s important to share the message that with time and counseling and recognition, things can get better and life can move forward.”
Nick added that he’s grateful to all those who’ve been part of their journey, and who have included them into this bigger Air Force family.
“We’re still putting the pieces together as we look ahead to the future, but I know that I have leaders I can count on, and I have supervisors who I can go to for support. We don’t want sympathy from people, we just want to remember our son. Logan was part of our family, and he always will be. Don’t be afraid to ask about him or to say his name. We have a rock garden with his name on them in front of our house ... when you see them, you’ll know we haven’t forgotten him either.”
| Date Taken: | 07.13.2016 |
| Date Posted: | 12.31.2016 22:28 |
| Story ID: | 219173 |
| Location: | SC, US |
| Web Views: | 396 |
| Downloads: | 1 |
This work, Air Force Family Triumphs Through Loss, by Karen Petitt, identified by DVIDS, must comply with the restrictions shown on https://www.dvidshub.net/about/copyright.
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