Suicide prevention: Proactive self-care and connected leadership make all the difference

STUTTGART, BW, GERMANY

09.22.2020

Courtesy Story

Special Operations Command Africa

By Tech. Sgt. Nickolas Swartz

I have dealt with major depression, seasonal depression disorder and suicidal ideations most of my life. While my experience is my own, I can tell you that being honest and open about my struggles has allowed me to serve and get the help I needed. While no system is perfect, investing in services that provide support to the warfighter both physically and mentally has made me who I am today.
I have always tried to be up front about my struggles. I grew up in a less than stable household and saw a therapist in high school for suicidal ideations. When I joined the Air Force, I was honest with the security clearance people that I had received counseling but the records were sealed. I feel that because I was open about my past, I had zero issues receiving my top secret clearance.
Throughout my career, I’ve sought out support from leadership, mental health providers, Military and Family Life Counseling, Family Advocacy, and Preservation of the Force and Family when I felt that I need extra support for my depression and suicidal ideations.
In 2012, I went to my flight chief, a GS-12 at the time, and told them I was having extreme suicidal ideations and I had a plan to kill myself that night. I was a hot mess, but he walked me to the squadron commander’s office, four doors over, told the squadron commander that he needed to take me to mental health, and drove me to the hospital. No one in the unit knew where I went or what happened until I decided to tell them.
In 2015, I went to mental health for seasonal depression and had a week long inpatient workshop to help with my depression. It was never held against me and my office didn’t know where I went until I told them.
In 2017, I was admitted to a 20-day treatment program for suicidal thoughts and major depression. That day, I had been to a POTFF appointment at which they expressed concern because of the extreme circumstances in my life and the warning signs I was showing for attempting suicide. They gave me an option: voluntarily admit myself or they would involuntarily place me (Baker Act) into the hospital. I asked what the repercussions of each would be and they explained it looks better if I went voluntarily than being forced, so I went to treatment voluntarily.
My first sergeant, supervisor and flight chief were called to inform them I was being admitted to the hospital. My first sergeant drove me home so I could pack a bag and give my spouse and kids farewells; he then drove me over an hour away to the hospital. He offered to stay but by that time it was already almost 10 p.m., and I didn’t want him to miss time with his family so I told him he could leave. Twenty days later, I was released and went back to work the following week.
Once again, because of my leadership team’s discretion, my coworkers had no idea where I was or what happened as they had been told that I went on a TDY. However, I decided to hold a meeting where I told everyone where I went and why. This was a special operations unit, and it was never held against me.
Six months later I was due for my 10-year security clearance. Because I had been up front about my mental health, I wasn’t worried about it being approved and it went through without issues. In fact, I have been able to reenlist, PCS, and continue my personal and professional education unhindered by the assistance I have sought over the years for my depression and suicidal ideations. I‘ve promoted without any issues relating to the help I sought for my depression or suicidal ideations. I also completed the arduous application process for a commission and, while not selected, was not rejected for my past of my medical or mental health. I seek help when I need it and don’t hide it.
When I PCS, I researched the support service that are available to me and schedule appointments to discuss my case so if I need help in the future they know me and understand my needs. Every counselor has different personality and approach, so I try to find one who matches my needs and will work for me.
While my experience has been good overall, I have had setbacks.
Not all of my supervision has been supportive. In my more than a decade long career, I have had three individuals that were less than neutral about my mental health, one supervisor and two mental health professionals. The supervisor went as far as to write a referral annual report on me, and when I PCS’d, called my next base to say that I wasn’t fit to be in the Air Force and that my new supervisor should continue the process of getting me removed. Thankfully, my next supervision team choose to give me an unbiased, fresh start.
Once, mental health professionals said to my face, “you don’t belong in the Air Force and I will see to it that you aren’t allowed to continue to serve,” and started the Medical Evaluation Board process. For this MEB, my supervision team supported me from top to bottom. They wanted me to stay and fought for me. When my record went all the way to the Air Force MEB team for the review, it was kicked back “Return to duty, no restrictions” in less than 48 hours.
Engaged leadership and robust support services throughout my career have enabled my willingness to be open, honest and seek help. I didn’t hide things until they were so bad that I needed a crisis team to intervene. When I felt things getting bad, I would seek help from my support team: friends, family, professionals, coworkers, and supervisors. I would tell my boss: “Sir/Ma’am, I can start to feel a depressive episode starting (they could last days, weeks, or months) and I’m starting my checklist of things to stop the decline, level out, and get back to ‘normal.’”
Lastly, in addition to my Air Force support team, a couple of other things keep me going – my kids and knowing that if I committed suicide, I wouldn’t end the pain and suffering. I would not only transfer that pain and suffering but multiply it to everyone around me. Instead, I have built a support system so that when things are getting bad I can reach out for assistance. I’m still here because I continually choose to be here with the help of everyone around me.

• Date Taken: 09.22.2020
• Date Posted: 09.23.2020 07:36
• Story ID: 378335
• Location: STUTTGART, BW, DE