C.A.R.S (Connections And Relationships Save)

Photo By Patrick Young | Fort Stewart-Hunter Army Airfield's Frontline Newspaper features this week's Chaplain's Corner, providing a personal testimonial of the authors challenge to overcome suicidal thoughts. (U.S. Army Graphic)  

FORT STEWART, GA, UNITED STATES

09.28.2018

Story by Patrick Young 

Fort Stewart Public Affairs Office

Story by Capt. Jason Davis
3-15 Inf. Chaplain, 2ABCT, 3rd ID

I know I’m not alone when I say that I hope we never become apathetically cynical to the topic of suicide. We as a society and our armed forces hear almost daily of someone who has tragically taken their own life. It is an unfortunate form of conditioning that if we’re not careful, we as a culture can become anesthetized and less zealous in our efforts to combat it. That’s something we never want to happen!

I was 19 when my secret was fully revealed, a brand new private in the Army. How I remember that day vividly. The Army SHARP program has a slogan that says, “Break the silence, change the trajectory.” Well that is exactly what I did. I told one person whom I trusted with my secret. From that day, I made a decision to no longer suffer in silence. I also made a decision that I was going into battle. I grew up in a military family and in an effort to help stabilize me educationally, my parents had me live with my grandparents who were teachers for the first few years of elementary school. Down the street were my other grandparents whom I visited often. I had a very special relationship with this grandfather - at least that is what I was told by him. On my visits and overnights I was repeatedly sexually abused, raped and exposed to sexually explicit material and acting out. He was a master at the art of grooming. I can remember the subtleness of it all starting back to kindergarten. I can remember him telling me not to tell anyone, that it was our little secret. Didn’t think much of it at ages 5, 6 and 7, but around the age of 10 it all just stopped. He wasn’t interested in me anymore. So I tried to be a normal kid and just buried that part of my life. Or at least I thought I did.

This type of trauma does a number on a person. Your mind does a re-hard-wiring and goes into protection mode. My biological parents had no idea and gave me nothing but love and security and I could never thank them enough for their efforts. But the trauma kept me in a state of hiding and the once innocent young boy died a slow death. The false boy was born and began to live a life of shame, guilt, shallowness, deceit and fear. This young boy, now adolescent, learned to build a fortress around his life that was impenetrable by anyone, even himself. I became a professional chameleon blending in with all environments, my surroundings, the perfect people-pleaser. The damage had already been done and no amount of love at that stage was going to reverse the effects. I tried so hard to mask the external facade in an effort to cover the stench of death inside. I was very successful at times, but I have no doubt I left a wake of destruction in the lives of many. Failed relationships, feeble attempts at intimacy, the constant search for numbness were now a lifestyle. The cycle was in full swing. Suicide seemed to always be a consideration. Although no attempts were ever made, the ideations were rampant. “Could there ever be any hope?” I would often wonder.

Healing the young catatonic boy inside started with giving him his first breath. That breath of life came when I had the courage to allow God and those who were walking in grace a chance. Honestly, it was the day my healing began, almost 19 years ago. The hardest step for me in recovery was admitting it ever happened and I was in need of rescuing. I was my own Savior, you see. I could only trust myself, at least I thought. I had manufactured an entire system of coping that worked for me. To venture out and embrace a different system was terrifying. When I was first taught the Christian teaching “to die daily and to pick up my cross,” I was relieved... You see, in my mind, I was already dead and hated myself. For the past 19 years I have been learning to love myself appropriately and learning to allow others to love me. My friends that it is still difficult at times. God’s Grace and love are constantly being revealed in new ways all the time!

For me it has been about the connections and the relationships that I have formed through the years. These are what ultimately saved my life. If we would risk relationships of vulnerable authenticity, eventually we will know a community where the worst of us could be known and we’d be loved more, not less in telling it. Unresolved issues begin to melt, historic wounding begins to lose its power. We begin to come under the influence of trusted others. And God pours wisdom, truth, insight and discernment into our very being as a gift. My challenge is that we would create a military community that is intentional about fostering environments where those who are silent can feel empowered to change their own trajectory. To come out of hiding through positive connections and relationships with others. C.A.R.S

• Date Taken: 09.28.2018
• Date Posted: 09.28.2018 12:01
• Story ID: 294823
• Location: FORT STEWART, GA, US