WEBVTT

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I joined the Air Force when I was 17

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with the sole intent on going to war .

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So as soon as I stepped foot into basic

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training , that was my identity going

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forward . The military was it , I

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joined a community that was very tight

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knit with a high ops tempo at the time ,

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a lot of deployments , very high trust ,

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uh with a small amount of members . And

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so getting into that community , I was

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looking for um , something to make me

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fit in because I was coming in very

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young , experienced in life ,

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not , not overwhelmingly athletic or uh

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really much talent of anything , but I

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could work hard on the surface at work .

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All my performance looks like things

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were great . I had a good reputation .

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I was a hard worker , but I got into it

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so young that the guys I work next

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to it always felt like we didn't have a

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lot in common . And the only two things

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I could really relate to them with was

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work or the gym . And I was so

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fearful that this perceived reputation

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of being this guy , I had become in my

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head if that person was shaken at all .

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Then all these friends I had made based

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off who he was would go away .

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That overtook my life for a long time .

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For eight years . I just ran full speed .

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I would be the one taking every TDY I

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trying to get on every deployment . It

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took eight years to finally burn out

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and see that it would always be here .

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Hey , what's on , what was that on the

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other end ? I was 20 the first time I

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walked into behavioral health in North

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Carolina , but it was just for one

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session after that session with the

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counselor . I really , I wasn't that

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committed . It wasn't bad enough at

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that point that I wanted to put the

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work in to continue . So I stopped , I

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was so embarrassed about all this stuff

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going on because in my head , the

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people that I knew and that I was close

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with , they were friends with me

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because of my performance at work or ,

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uh , my fitness or these other things .

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So I felt like if I admitted to needing

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help in these areas , I'd be seen as a

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fraud and things would just fall away .

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I could feel in my , my heart that just

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things weren't right . So I would go to

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numb those things out whether it's

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alcohol , uh , pursuing just empty

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relationships at the time or a big

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thing for me was food . You know , the

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fitness thing on top of this lack of ,

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uh , life . Really ? Uh I

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developed an eating disorder from that ,

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that eating disorder got worse and

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worse over the years , physically ,

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mentally , emotionally , spiritually ,

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I just felt drained and for months at a

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time I just spiraling down in deep

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depression thinking I'd probably just

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be better off dead . I kept these

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issues bottled up for so long that it

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got to a point of just total

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breakage between 2018 and 2020 .

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I need to hook a line out of this real

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quick and just roll it out . After

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coming back from Afghanistan , I got

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picked up for a commissioning program

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and within 30 days , I drove across

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country to Colorado in the middle of

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COVID and started classes at Colorado

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State University . The state was on

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fire . I didn't know anybody . So these

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two things that were really my identity ,

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um particularly the military ,

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especially after eight months down

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range entirely without

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my team , my identity as an EOD

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technician and a team leader

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was gone . You guys want back up a

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little more even just wearing the

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uniform every day gone . Understanding

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what I was doing was gone . I was

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suddenly ripped out of that .

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I'm thankful for that though because

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that gave me that desperation . I

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needed to look into things that

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actually would fulfill the first week

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of classes . A guy named Blake who's

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now my best friend stopped me on campus

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and we started talking and he invited

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me to go to church and that just

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started a whole chain of events over

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those three years in Colorado that

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completely turned my life around . Yeah ,

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the turning point was definitely my

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faith . It gave me purpose beyond

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myself . Understanding really restored

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a lot over those three years . It just

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really put me in a much better place to

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come back to the military when I

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commissioned . It actually helps me be

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better at work and better at home

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because I'm not conflating the two .

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What I would tell people who are on the

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fence about seeking help or thinking

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their issue is not big enough yet .

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I'll tell you , go right now , go get

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an opinion from a professional . I

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think the mistake that a lot of people

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make is waiting to have this dramatic

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impetus to . All right now I need to go

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seek help . I know I did , you know , I

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waited years and I thought I needed a

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more dramatic thing . I needed a

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suicide attempt . I needed something

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big to really need care . And I think

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that is one of the biggest mistakes

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that we make as a force is seeing

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mental health as this last crisis line

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effort instead of something that we

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need to do as soon as minor issues

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arise . If we wanna make a culture in

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the air force of , of people who go to

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get help when they need it . We need

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those who uh uh we fear will judge us

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to tell us it's ok . And not only tell

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us but demonstrate that be public about

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your story , you don't need to

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glamorize anything but you need to show

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and build that trust that there won't

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be consequences and you really do care

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about them getting help more than

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anything else .