I went out for lunch . Okay , This
doesn't seem like a really big deal ,
but just somebody they're sharing this
with you . This was a good thing to
them . I got to go out for lunch . So
you're back to her matrix . So when
we're looking at active destructive ,
do you have the money from that ? We
just automatically I went out for lunch .
Oh , that might not be a good thing .
Right ? So we're stealing your joy .
You know , you can't eat at the
restaurant now . Are you sure you
really wanted to do that ? Because then
you got back in your food was cold .
Was it any good ? Who's stealing their
joy ? Have a constructive ,
passive Jocasta . Constructive . Sounds
fun . You're looking at your phone .
You're not paying attention to them .
You're not asking them questions . We
just effectively shut down our
relationship with this person . And if
we do this enough , that person is
never going to bring us their good
thing . So think about that with your
co workers , with your Children , with
your spouse . If you answer like this
to that , I think I want to bring you
their good thing . Probably not .
Okay . Has a destructive . Oh , you
went out from I brought my own lunch .
I made a plant last night . It was so
good . I had to have it again today .
So I brought extras for lunch , and I
just don't like going out because it's
too expensive . So now all of a sudden
I hijack the conversation . I've made
it all about me . And who wants to talk
to somebody who's gonna make everything ?
You bring them about them . We all know
those people . All right . So
active . Constructive . Where did you
go ? Wait for them to answer ,
right ? Did you get a desert ? Was the
food good ? Right . We're keeping them
in the moment of joy that they have .
So here's a bigger one . My styles got
a new job . We're gonna run through
these kind of quick who's gonna watch
your kids . You'll notice this .
It feels like we're doing good things .
It feels like we're helping . We're
trying to bring up concerns , but we're
still stealing their joy . You can
bring these concerns up later , but the
moment they renew that good thing ,
keep him there for a few minutes . Oh ,
well , that's good . Okay , again ,
this isn't going to kill the
conversation are killed the
relationship immediately , but it will
eventually destroy the relationship .
Oh , I love starting a new job . I get
to learn so many things . I remember
this one time when I started a job were
hijacking the conversation . We're
taking their joy away from them .
What's she gonna dio ? When will he
start ? Where is she or he most excited
about ? He's in there . What was that
good thing ? Now , of course , if
somebody is getting ready to do
something dangerous , you know you
don't want to keep him even that joy
spot . We might need it . But if it's
not Hurdle , yes , those what ? Who
when ? Why questions , Right ?
All right . So active , constructive
responding . He's the person thinking
about the good news in their joy , a
few final things to keep in line with
this . It's very easy to fall out of
active , constructive responding
because it takes work . We have to
actually physically think of questions
to connect with that person , and
connecting with people takes work ,
especially after we've been out of work
first for well , we may have some
issues reconnecting with our co workers ,
passing these active constructive
responding questions is going to help
you rebuild those relationships that
may have atrophy over the the the time
will help . We tend to respond in
certain ways to different people are in
our lives . So maybe with our kids , we
tend to be more active , destructive
with our spouse . Maybe we're more
passive destructive has , um
sorry . I just went somewhere else .
The point of this is hey , attention to
who you respond to . What quadrants .
All right . After constructive
responding takes time , it takes effort .
We can't do it all the time because it
takes work . But pay attention to how
often you fall into the other quadrants
because active , constructive
responding is what build your
relationships . The other three
quadrants tear them down . Okay , If
you have any questions , you are
welcome to contact me at a C s . I will
be happy to try and answer them before
you