WEBVTT 00:00.630 --> 00:02.650 - My family had contacted me, 00:02.650 --> 00:04.260 and asked if I'd seen my brother. 00:04.260 --> 00:06.770 I said yeah, I just saw him a few hours ago. 00:06.770 --> 00:09.550 Didn't think anything of it, drove home and I noticed 00:09.550 --> 00:13.320 that there were fresh footprints in the snow, 00:13.320 --> 00:14.400 that weren't there when I left, 00:14.400 --> 00:16.310 leading out to my parents woods, so I was like, that's odd, 00:16.310 --> 00:19.337 maybe he went out there for somethin'. 00:20.580 --> 00:24.530 And so I followed the foot, footprints out to the woods, 00:24.530 --> 00:29.230 and got maybe half a mile back, and turned a corner, 00:29.230 --> 00:33.083 and I saw him hanging from a tree. 00:34.010 --> 00:37.640 So called 911, my dad, also being on the fire department, 00:37.640 --> 00:42.240 heard the pager go off, and came runnin' out 00:42.240 --> 00:46.003 and brought a ladder and a knife. 00:46.980 --> 00:50.460 Cut him down from the tree, and he said, okay we need 00:50.460 --> 00:52.829 to start CPR, you need to do this, you need to do this, 00:52.829 --> 00:54.623 and it just instantly relaxed me. 00:54.623 --> 00:56.820 I was like, yup you're right, we gotta do this, 00:56.820 --> 00:58.713 and I did one compression, 00:59.898 --> 01:02.020 (forlorn piano music) 01:02.020 --> 01:03.050 and looked at my brother, 01:03.050 --> 01:06.870 and realized, with all the training that I'd had, 01:06.870 --> 01:09.270 and as many runs as we'd been on and everything, 01:10.240 --> 01:14.340 nobody, no medical professional, or no EMT, no medic, 01:14.340 --> 01:19.340 whatever, would have started CPR on his body at this point. 01:19.607 --> 01:23.590 And my dad was just adamant and I could tell at that point 01:23.590 --> 01:25.803 that he was gone. 01:27.010 --> 01:29.280 The death itself was difficult, 01:29.280 --> 01:34.020 but the most difficult part was having to convince my dad 01:34.020 --> 01:35.790 that his son was dead and there was nothing 01:35.790 --> 01:36.840 he could do about it. 01:38.440 --> 01:40.300 Family came in town for the funeral and everything, 01:40.300 --> 01:43.570 and one night my dad broke down, he pulled me aside, 01:43.570 --> 01:47.660 away from everybody and he broke down and told me 01:47.660 --> 01:52.330 that he blamed the death on himself and I, 01:52.330 --> 01:55.084 because we didn't act fast enough. 01:55.084 --> 01:56.730 (forlorn piano music) 01:56.730 --> 02:00.036 And as a first responder, 02:00.036 --> 02:01.620 (forlorn piano music) 02:01.620 --> 02:03.670 even though I know he was speaking 02:03.670 --> 02:06.131 from emotion, it was very difficult 02:06.131 --> 02:07.694 (forlorn piano music) 02:07.694 --> 02:10.010 to think that you could've made a difference 02:10.010 --> 02:12.790 in saving your brother. 02:12.790 --> 02:17.260 (forlorn piano piano music) 02:17.260 --> 02:20.060 - Well it all started about three years ago. 02:20.060 --> 02:22.580 I had just gotten out of a relationship, 02:22.580 --> 02:25.763 and I had two grandparents that weren't doing very well. 02:26.600 --> 02:31.437 They were in hospice, probably wasn't long for this world, 02:31.437 --> 02:33.687 and I found myself in a bit of legal trouble. 02:34.620 --> 02:37.960 I remember my most common thought was just, 02:37.960 --> 02:39.710 I'm gonna lose my job. 02:39.710 --> 02:41.880 Which is a pretty scary thing when you've been out here 02:41.880 --> 02:43.980 and that's kinda what your whole career has been, 02:43.980 --> 02:45.593 is working on the base, 02:46.670 --> 02:50.040 not to mention my parents pretty much wanted to kill me. 02:50.040 --> 02:51.460 And obviously, I had just gotten out 02:51.460 --> 02:54.000 of a long term relationship, so I didn't have that support. 02:54.000 --> 02:56.770 So it was kind of a lot to handle. 02:56.770 --> 02:58.690 'Cause I was kinda like the lowest I'd ever been, 02:58.690 --> 03:00.770 and it's not really somethin' that you can just go 03:00.770 --> 03:02.697 and talk to anyone about. 03:02.697 --> 03:05.522 (forlorn piano music) 03:05.522 --> 03:06.750 - I guess the thing is you 03:06.750 --> 03:08.640 think you're doing all the right things 03:08.640 --> 03:12.060 and you get a phone call one day. 03:12.060 --> 03:14.330 And this is how my situation happened, 03:14.330 --> 03:17.730 I get a phone call from my boss that says hey, 03:17.730 --> 03:19.933 we just had a member take his own life. 03:21.230 --> 03:25.230 And, you know, what do you say at that point in time, 03:25.230 --> 03:26.670 there's nothin' you can say on the phone, 03:26.670 --> 03:31.088 and there's nothin' that your boss can say to you, 03:31.088 --> 03:33.350 and that whole time you kind of reflect back, 03:33.350 --> 03:36.360 and you remember all those times you spent 03:36.360 --> 03:41.360 with that member, or the friend, or coworker, 03:41.460 --> 03:46.110 and you just try to reflect and ask yourself, 03:46.110 --> 03:47.350 what'd you miss. 03:47.350 --> 03:49.600 - You know, I remember when I got the call, 03:49.600 --> 03:53.890 I was in the basement and I hung up the phone, 03:53.890 --> 03:55.890 and I'm just like standin' there. 03:55.890 --> 03:58.760 And I'm like, I had a relative way back 03:58.760 --> 04:03.203 that committed suicide and I was younger, and I you know, 04:03.203 --> 04:06.390 my parents helped me through it, but I didn't really know. 04:06.390 --> 04:08.920 I was an adult now, and this was close to home, 04:08.920 --> 04:10.950 this was my coworker and friend. 04:10.950 --> 04:12.300 But I was lost, I was like, 04:13.750 --> 04:15.350 I didn't know what to do that day. 04:15.350 --> 04:17.199 I'm sittin' there in the basement, 04:17.199 --> 04:19.676 and just kind of like kind of wonderin', 04:19.676 --> 04:20.513 how do I process this? 04:22.630 --> 04:27.630 Within the first three months of 2018 I found out 04:27.730 --> 04:29.298 that my dad had cancer, 04:29.298 --> 04:32.965 (forlorn piano piano music) 04:36.510 --> 04:38.367 my mom had cancer, 04:38.367 --> 04:41.317 (forlorn piano piano music) 04:41.317 --> 04:43.227 and my wife's cancer was back. 04:43.227 --> 04:46.394 (forlorn piano music) 04:47.540 --> 04:51.440 My wife lost her battle to cancer in July, 04:51.440 --> 04:54.030 and the day that she passed away was 04:54.030 --> 04:56.713 also my mom's very first chemo treatment. 04:58.250 --> 05:02.030 Within a week after losing my wife, 05:02.030 --> 05:04.240 my mom who had the chemo treatment ended up 05:04.240 --> 05:08.653 in the intensive care unit with a reaction to her chemo. 05:09.570 --> 05:11.830 I hadn't even got back to work yet, from recovering 05:11.830 --> 05:13.540 from losing my wife, and here's my, 05:13.540 --> 05:16.193 and I feel like I'm losing my mom also. 05:18.240 --> 05:22.200 Unfortunately my mom ending up passing away five months 05:22.200 --> 05:24.600 after my wife did. 05:24.600 --> 05:27.560 And right now my dad is kind of on the decline, 05:27.560 --> 05:32.560 so absolutely 2018 was a true test to my resiliency 05:32.826 --> 05:35.069 and it's still going. 05:35.069 --> 05:38.360 (forlorn piano music) 05:38.360 --> 05:43.010 - We moved up here as a senior airman, paycheck to paycheck. 05:43.010 --> 05:45.860 She wasn't employed yet, got an apartment 05:45.860 --> 05:47.310 then ended up gettin' a house. 05:47.310 --> 05:50.610 During that time as a young airman, 05:50.610 --> 05:53.139 my sister committed suicide. 05:53.139 --> 05:56.350 (forlorn piano music) 05:56.350 --> 05:59.140 I was the last person to talk to her, that I know of, 05:59.140 --> 06:01.100 so that weighs on me, 06:01.100 --> 06:02.830 and what could I have said differently? 06:02.830 --> 06:06.650 I still to this day have pretty bad nightmares, 06:06.650 --> 06:09.310 and then I went a year as a pretty young person, 06:09.310 --> 06:10.640 not talkin' to anybody. 06:10.640 --> 06:13.214 But bein' up here I had a lot a little things in my house, 06:13.214 --> 06:16.173 breaking and malfunctioning that I didn't know how to fix, 06:16.173 --> 06:17.170 I was pretty young. 06:17.170 --> 06:18.040 So there's all these little things 06:18.040 --> 06:20.810 just kept pilin' on at once, on top of 06:20.810 --> 06:23.539 being the year anniversary of my sister's death. 06:23.539 --> 06:26.170 (forlorn piano music) 06:26.170 --> 06:28.653 - I would say my story begins in high school. 06:29.513 --> 06:34.513 I'd long suffered from self-esteem issues, self-confidence, 06:36.530 --> 06:38.550 never thought I was pretty enough, 06:38.550 --> 06:40.533 smart enough, interesting enough. 06:41.510 --> 06:44.030 Around my junior year I started dating. 06:44.030 --> 06:46.780 Started getting interested in guys and the attentions 06:46.780 --> 06:48.530 that they were giving me. 06:48.530 --> 06:51.893 And what I found was, in those relationships, 06:53.060 --> 06:57.740 the attention that they were giving me, was almost filling 06:57.740 --> 07:02.426 that void in myself, that self-esteem didn't seem so strong, 07:02.426 --> 07:04.433 than when I was in that relationship. 07:06.264 --> 07:09.520 I had several failed relationships. 07:09.520 --> 07:12.343 I would say in two years time, 07:13.572 --> 07:16.450 what felt like back to back failed relationships. 07:16.450 --> 07:18.492 I felt rejected, 07:18.492 --> 07:21.160 (forlorn piano music) 07:21.160 --> 07:23.700 I felt in each case, they were all my fault. 07:23.700 --> 07:28.520 So I blamed myself for each of those failed relationships. 07:28.520 --> 07:33.520 And each time I failed in a relationship, it was harder 07:34.710 --> 07:37.403 and harder to rebound, bounce back from it. 07:38.415 --> 07:42.450 It wasn't long before I found myself in a relationship 07:42.450 --> 07:43.603 with someone at work. 07:44.820 --> 07:48.053 I was very nervous about trying to start a relationship, 07:49.090 --> 07:52.940 knowing my history with relationships. 07:52.940 --> 07:55.470 So we took it slow, we really just had fun. 07:55.470 --> 07:58.000 We did things together, we went places together, 07:58.000 --> 08:00.090 and it was very casual. 08:00.090 --> 08:01.750 Over the course of several months it started 08:01.750 --> 08:05.500 to get more serious, talks about marriage. 08:05.500 --> 08:10.500 I met his parents, it seemed like okay, this is the one. 08:10.870 --> 08:14.300 I finally found the one, been through all the frogs. 08:14.300 --> 08:17.793 He had a change of plans, he changed his mind, 08:18.820 --> 08:22.693 he didn't want to pursue the relationship. 08:24.160 --> 08:27.190 I remember asking lots of questions, is it someone else, 08:27.190 --> 08:29.440 what did I do, did I say something wrong, 08:29.440 --> 08:31.950 did I do something wrong, what can I do 08:31.950 --> 08:33.404 to fix it, I'll fix it. 08:33.404 --> 08:35.570 (forlorn piano music) 08:35.570 --> 08:38.440 I just felt like I needed that closure 08:38.440 --> 08:42.863 and by gosh I was gonna get that closure, so I kept calling. 08:44.220 --> 08:48.240 I'd come to work, I'd call his duty section all the time. 08:48.240 --> 08:50.690 I would try to get him to talk to me, tell me, 08:50.690 --> 08:52.940 I need you to tell me what it is I did wrong. 08:53.870 --> 08:56.723 But they wouldn't respond, they wouldn't talk to me. 08:57.930 --> 09:01.170 - After something like that happens, for like a week, 09:01.170 --> 09:03.530 it's like your life stops. 09:03.530 --> 09:05.940 You don't have to go to work, you don't go to school. 09:05.940 --> 09:08.198 People bring you food and everything so you don't even have 09:08.198 --> 09:09.530 to worry about cooking, 09:09.530 --> 09:13.433 you just have a week to yourself, to grieve. 09:13.433 --> 09:17.110 Then it felt like after that week, the world just wanted you 09:17.110 --> 09:19.340 to be fine again. 09:19.340 --> 09:24.340 And after somethin' like that, you're not fine after a week. 09:24.460 --> 09:26.450 It takes a lot longer. 09:26.450 --> 09:29.630 I couldn't sleep, I had dreams where I'd come back 09:29.630 --> 09:34.110 from a run and I'd pull the ambulance into the station, 09:34.110 --> 09:38.670 and people that I knew were hanging from the station, 09:38.670 --> 09:40.523 and I couldn't get to them in time. 09:41.497 --> 09:44.113 And that kept me up for a long time, 09:45.960 --> 09:47.263 about a year, actually. 09:48.900 --> 09:53.620 So, my way of coping with that was I just, 09:53.620 --> 09:55.401 I made myself as busy as possible. 09:55.401 --> 09:57.650 If you didn't sleep, you didn't have nightmares, 09:57.650 --> 09:59.150 you didn't have nightmares, you didn't think 09:59.150 --> 10:01.870 about all of the issues that you had. 10:01.870 --> 10:04.799 For a year or so it felt great, until I deployed 10:04.799 --> 10:08.710 with the 180th here, and believe it or not, 10:08.710 --> 10:12.540 my life slowed down a lot, when I was deployed. 10:12.540 --> 10:14.653 Because of how busy I'd made myself here. 10:15.970 --> 10:20.970 And when my life slowed down, I realized I had a lot 10:21.950 --> 10:23.630 of things that I hadn't dealt with. 10:23.630 --> 10:27.250 And being in the deployed environment, and not having any 10:27.250 --> 10:32.250 of my normal coping mechanisms around, made it a lot harder 10:32.910 --> 10:35.200 to having to start to heal. 10:35.200 --> 10:38.010 And it was over a year ago, but I hadn't started 10:38.010 --> 10:39.483 that healing process. 10:40.780 --> 10:43.503 - My relationship had ended, grandparents were dying, 10:44.420 --> 10:48.000 I already was running on little sleep and a lot of stress. 10:48.000 --> 10:50.860 I mean it pretty much disturbed everything in my life. 10:50.860 --> 10:54.400 Sleeping, worrying, stressing out, 10:54.400 --> 10:56.720 wondering what am I gonna do if I lose my job, 10:56.720 --> 10:59.010 'cause at the time I didn't have any college done, 10:59.010 --> 11:01.650 so a lot of stress, a lot of emotions. 11:01.650 --> 11:04.290 It was kind of like drowning, and you're just trying 11:04.290 --> 11:05.430 to keep your head above water, 11:05.430 --> 11:09.193 but you're just gettin' really tired of treading that water. 11:10.100 --> 11:13.180 - After he passed, I started getting angry. 11:13.180 --> 11:15.820 At like, dude you were our friend, 11:15.820 --> 11:17.270 and we could have helped you. 11:19.670 --> 11:22.180 That's the hard part for me, you know, 11:22.180 --> 11:26.050 between Tucson, and Nellis, and Iraq, we can sit there, 11:26.050 --> 11:30.240 and we can count so many memories of this young kid, 11:30.240 --> 11:33.100 in such a short period of time, but then even talking 11:33.100 --> 11:36.010 about it that's when I get a little mad, I'm like, 11:36.010 --> 11:37.820 why couldn't I have just told you 11:37.820 --> 11:39.500 about the fun times you had in the three, 11:39.500 --> 11:41.299 four years you were with us? 11:41.299 --> 11:43.040 Could that have made a difference? 11:43.040 --> 11:44.656 When I really started thinkin' about Max, 11:44.656 --> 11:49.487 the unanswered question is the hardest thing to deal with. 11:49.487 --> 11:53.670 Why did it happen, and it's hard to handle, 11:53.670 --> 11:54.830 'cause we all want answers. 11:54.830 --> 11:56.710 And that's the one, 11:56.710 --> 11:59.010 one of probably the most unanswered questions. 12:01.170 --> 12:04.800 - I was stressed, and I didn't know what to do about it, 12:04.800 --> 12:07.700 I do my 48 hours, and I go home, for four days off, 12:07.700 --> 12:10.720 with no family up here and I think about it. 12:10.720 --> 12:13.700 I didn't know who to turn to, 12:13.700 --> 12:15.270 so I just kind of bottled it up. 12:15.270 --> 12:18.320 And didn't really express, nobody, 12:18.320 --> 12:19.730 you know everybody sent their condolences 12:19.730 --> 12:21.087 and were very kind, but it was goin' 12:21.087 --> 12:24.570 on the year anniversary, so it was a full year where, 12:24.570 --> 12:26.712 I just kind of kept it bottled up. 12:26.712 --> 12:29.879 (forlorn piano music) 12:30.720 --> 12:35.413 - Eventually I stopped eating, I stopped drinking. 12:37.908 --> 12:39.963 I lost interest in everything completely. 12:41.000 --> 12:42.800 I wouldn't talk to my mom or my dad, 12:43.962 --> 12:45.162 my brother or my sister. 12:46.510 --> 12:49.758 I completely shut myself off from them. 12:49.758 --> 12:52.990 (forlorn piano music) 12:52.990 --> 12:57.750 Then I decided, well, I feel better when I'm sleeping. 12:57.750 --> 13:02.223 I don't feel this pain, so I'm just gonna try to sleep more. 13:03.210 --> 13:05.040 If the TV's distracting me, I'll turn it off, 13:05.040 --> 13:05.873 turn it down lower. 13:05.873 --> 13:08.343 I'm just gonna sleep more, that'll solve things. 13:09.640 --> 13:14.640 So I decided to try medicines that helped, sleep, 13:16.420 --> 13:19.790 sleep aids, Tylenol PM, I believe is the first one I tried. 13:19.790 --> 13:22.630 And it did, it helped, I slept longer. 13:22.630 --> 13:24.610 I was really trying to figure out how many pills do I need 13:24.610 --> 13:26.810 to take so that I'll just feel better, 13:26.810 --> 13:28.270 you know it'll make me sleep long enough, 13:28.270 --> 13:30.170 maybe when I wake up I'll feel better. 13:31.360 --> 13:33.300 And I remember I was just shaking those pills 13:33.300 --> 13:35.320 and takin' 'em, I'd wake up, I'd shake some more pills, 13:35.320 --> 13:36.170 and I'd take 'em. 13:37.400 --> 13:40.785 I kept waking up, and I kept not feeling better. 13:40.785 --> 13:44.720 (forlorn piano music) 13:44.720 --> 13:46.400 Eventually I took enough pills 13:46.400 --> 13:47.950 that I wasn't going to wake up. 13:49.090 --> 13:52.820 And the next thing I know, I'm waking up 13:52.820 --> 13:56.870 in an emergency room, and I learned that my stomach 13:56.870 --> 14:00.140 had been pumped, and that they had used charcoal, 14:00.140 --> 14:03.780 to try to absorb the poison that I was putting into my body, 14:03.780 --> 14:05.203 over the course of weeks. 14:06.340 --> 14:08.640 My mother happened to come home early one day, 14:09.520 --> 14:11.730 I don't know why, I probably didn't answer the phone. 14:11.730 --> 14:14.710 Maybe she had an intuition something was going on. 14:14.710 --> 14:16.520 She never came home early. 14:16.520 --> 14:19.702 And I was, she had found me in just enough time. 14:19.702 --> 14:22.070 (forlorn piano music) 14:22.070 --> 14:24.460 Had she come home when she was supposed to, 14:24.460 --> 14:27.162 she would have found her daughter dead. 14:27.162 --> 14:30.020 (forlorn piano music) 14:30.020 --> 14:33.868 It wasn't long after that, my mom came up to see me. 14:33.868 --> 14:35.660 (forlorn piano music) 14:35.660 --> 14:38.670 She walked through those doors, I'll never forget, 14:38.670 --> 14:42.768 and she was so scared, and I was so mad at her. 14:42.768 --> 14:44.690 (forlorn piano music) 14:44.690 --> 14:49.060 How could you, wake me up from that, help me, 14:49.060 --> 14:50.840 how could you help me. 14:50.840 --> 14:53.799 I'll forever be haunted by the way I spoke to her that day. 14:53.799 --> 14:57.199 (forlorn piano music) 14:57.199 --> 15:00.310 But I was mad, I had finally did it. 15:00.310 --> 15:02.380 I'd finally stopped the pain. 15:02.380 --> 15:05.380 Someone woke me up from it, and I was just mad at the world. 15:06.620 --> 15:09.420 Two weeks later, I ended up in the same place. 15:09.420 --> 15:12.160 Back in the ICU, stomach gettin' pumped, 15:12.160 --> 15:14.633 charcoal shoved down my throat. 15:15.600 --> 15:18.013 Because I was taking care of this myself. 15:18.013 --> 15:19.470 (forlorn piano music) 15:19.470 --> 15:21.513 Was not receptive to being helped. 15:23.730 --> 15:27.330 - I didn't want to drag everything back home. 15:27.330 --> 15:28.570 I thought, I just kept thinking, 15:28.570 --> 15:31.020 no I don't want people at the 180th to find out about this. 15:31.020 --> 15:32.700 I don't want them to know 15:32.700 --> 15:34.210 that I'm still struggling with this. 15:34.210 --> 15:36.560 'Cause everybody in my shop thought that I was good, 15:36.560 --> 15:38.260 thought everything was goin' fine. 15:39.140 --> 15:40.980 'Cause there's always that stigma, you know, 15:40.980 --> 15:43.680 in the military, and I didn't want to bring that here. 15:44.540 --> 15:49.250 After I came home, I was pretty honest with people about it. 15:49.250 --> 15:52.770 Because I went to Al Udeid, supposed to be a great base, 15:52.770 --> 15:54.380 and it is, it is a great base, 15:54.380 --> 15:57.690 but everybody just expected I had this amazing time 15:57.690 --> 15:59.920 while I was deployed, and I said, to be honest with you, 15:59.920 --> 16:03.530 it kind of sucked, and after I explained why, 16:03.530 --> 16:06.380 I had to tell 'em, I'm still really strugglin' with this, 16:07.249 --> 16:10.030 and I expected people to kind of react with, 16:10.030 --> 16:11.500 why are you still struggling with this? 16:11.500 --> 16:15.720 This was a year and a half ago, and you seemed fine, 16:15.720 --> 16:17.170 why are you even bringing this up? 16:17.170 --> 16:18.770 But that, it was totally the opposite. 16:18.770 --> 16:23.160 It was, overwhelming support from people. 16:23.160 --> 16:26.403 And asking if I needed anything, if I wanted time off drill. 16:28.680 --> 16:33.041 And I guess I was surprised by how, 16:33.041 --> 16:34.840 how accepting everybody was. 16:34.840 --> 16:39.540 I mean people that I barely even knew, were reaching out, 16:39.540 --> 16:41.693 and offering their support. 16:43.010 --> 16:45.010 - I really relied on Alina the Director 16:45.010 --> 16:46.853 of Psychological Health on base. 16:46.853 --> 16:49.370 The first thing I did was, I called my leadership, 16:49.370 --> 16:52.030 and my second phone call was to Alina. 16:52.030 --> 16:54.670 Kinda told her about the situation, what had happened, 16:54.670 --> 16:57.570 and asked for her advice on how to proceed. 16:57.570 --> 17:00.990 My leadership definitely had my back and fought pretty hard 17:00.990 --> 17:03.110 to keep me, and Alina took care 17:03.110 --> 17:05.690 of all the administrative paperwork part. 17:05.690 --> 17:08.080 She kind of told me where I needed to go, 17:08.080 --> 17:11.330 what forms needed to be signed, and she kinda guided me 17:11.330 --> 17:13.820 through the whole process of the steps that needed 17:13.820 --> 17:15.630 to be taken in order to try and make sure 17:15.630 --> 17:18.190 that I kept my job at the end of everything. 17:18.190 --> 17:19.720 By the time we got to the end of everything, 17:19.720 --> 17:22.100 it was like I could finally take my first deep breath 17:22.100 --> 17:24.680 that I'd taken in about six months. 17:24.680 --> 17:26.350 I'm not someone who has a lot of close friends 17:26.350 --> 17:30.590 outside of work, so I kinda relied on the relationships I 17:30.590 --> 17:33.790 have through work and through the base 17:33.790 --> 17:35.940 to kinda help guide me through the process. 17:38.070 --> 17:40.090 - He was 21 years old, he didn't really live 17:40.090 --> 17:43.930 that much of life, but we were able to spend a whole night, 17:43.930 --> 17:47.320 talkin' about all the different times we spent with him. 17:47.320 --> 17:51.850 The times that we remembered that were near and dear to us. 17:51.850 --> 17:55.543 I think the group was awesome, it was what helped, 17:56.660 --> 18:00.870 kept me going through the whole process. 18:00.870 --> 18:03.300 - You know as far as dealing with it, if we didn't, 18:03.300 --> 18:04.760 if we weren't such a tight-knit group, 18:04.760 --> 18:06.513 and if we weren't so close, 18:07.670 --> 18:11.290 I don't know how the outcomes would have been different. 18:11.290 --> 18:14.240 You needed that bond, you know, you really did. 18:14.240 --> 18:16.933 And it meant a lot to me, and I know for a fact, 18:18.432 --> 18:21.650 in our friendships, and the friendships we have back there, 18:21.650 --> 18:23.050 they would all sit here and say the same thing, 18:23.050 --> 18:27.198 that nobody woulda wanted to go through that on their own. 18:27.198 --> 18:28.031 (forlorn piano music) 18:28.031 --> 18:32.510 - We, together had six kids, and 11 grandkids, 18:32.510 --> 18:36.270 so I absolutely had a lot of family to lean on. 18:36.270 --> 18:38.560 And not only family, the friends 18:38.560 --> 18:41.310 that we have are incredible too. 18:41.310 --> 18:44.510 It was just incredible how much they were there for me also. 18:44.510 --> 18:46.780 Not to mention my work family too. 18:46.780 --> 18:49.830 I was never made to feel guilty for the time 18:49.830 --> 18:51.940 that I had to take away from work. 18:51.940 --> 18:55.280 My work family, they were just there and supportive, 18:55.280 --> 18:59.600 and absolutely, I couldn't have done as well as I did 18:59.600 --> 19:01.750 if I had also been worrying about, oh my gosh, 19:01.750 --> 19:03.150 what's going on at work? 19:03.150 --> 19:05.543 I feel like I should be the strong person, 19:06.860 --> 19:09.710 be there for everyone else person kind of person, 19:09.710 --> 19:13.733 but luckily how close my work family was at that point, 19:14.960 --> 19:18.170 it didn't take much for them to understand, 19:18.170 --> 19:22.590 and fully realize how I work, how I think, 19:22.590 --> 19:26.110 and they were able to make me feel comfortable, 19:26.110 --> 19:29.612 and get me to the point that, it was okay to come to work 19:29.612 --> 19:32.800 and show my weakness, and talk to them 19:32.800 --> 19:35.260 about what's going on, and they were nothing 19:35.260 --> 19:37.400 but supportive for me. 19:37.400 --> 19:40.683 One of the main people that I relied on, 19:41.560 --> 19:45.480 she had actually lost her significant other to cancer. 19:45.480 --> 19:48.150 So it was incredible, the lessons 19:48.150 --> 19:50.400 that she helped me get through, 19:50.400 --> 19:53.070 that I probably would have made a lot of bad decisions. 19:53.070 --> 19:57.400 So between family, friends, and my work family, 19:57.400 --> 20:00.717 that's what got me through the hardship. 20:00.717 --> 20:02.619 (forlorn piano music) 20:02.619 --> 20:04.719 - I ended up bein' out on the flight line, 20:05.750 --> 20:09.460 in one of the vehicles, with a wingman, J. Weir, 20:09.460 --> 20:12.179 and he said he noticed some things had been botherin' me, 20:12.179 --> 20:13.880 and if I wanted to talk about it. 20:15.480 --> 20:17.436 Nobody had asked, up until that point, 20:17.436 --> 20:20.906 so we were on the line, and knew that we were 20:20.906 --> 20:22.980 gonna be there a while, so I did, I opened up. 20:22.980 --> 20:24.870 That was a Thursday/Friday shift 20:24.870 --> 20:27.930 and rolling right into a Saturday of drill weekend, 20:27.930 --> 20:32.690 and that night after the Saturday drill, 20:32.690 --> 20:34.200 there was a knock on my door, 20:34.200 --> 20:36.200 it was my Master Sergeant Herm Schwebes, 20:37.751 --> 20:40.670 and our entire B shift, and they had a couple pizzas 20:40.670 --> 20:43.630 and a case of beer, and they came in 20:43.630 --> 20:46.420 and fixed all those little things in my house 20:46.420 --> 20:47.840 that I didn't know how to do. 20:47.840 --> 20:50.370 And we sat around and talked about my sister, 20:50.370 --> 20:53.658 and about the events and what had happened, 20:53.658 --> 20:55.773 and they were there for me. 20:55.773 --> 20:58.750 And they showed up. 20:58.750 --> 21:00.470 (forlorn piano music) 21:00.470 --> 21:02.523 - This time I wasn't allowed to go home. 21:03.680 --> 21:06.580 They basically sent me up to the next floor, 21:06.580 --> 21:09.323 and I had to stay there, I had to work through it this time. 21:10.170 --> 21:13.170 And I was resistant to it, I was so resistant to it, 21:13.170 --> 21:15.450 that first couple days. 21:15.450 --> 21:18.421 I just didn't want to open up to anybody. 21:18.421 --> 21:19.521 I didn't care anymore. 21:20.787 --> 21:22.473 But I eventually did. 21:23.548 --> 21:26.210 I didn't have any pills at my disposal to sleep, 21:26.210 --> 21:29.360 I had to reckon with, what I was feeling, 21:29.360 --> 21:31.333 and what I was going through. 21:31.333 --> 21:33.570 (forlorn piano music) 21:33.570 --> 21:36.360 I realized that I was trying to cope with something 21:36.360 --> 21:40.487 that I just didn't have the tools to cope with. 21:40.487 --> 21:41.930 (forlorn piano music) 21:41.930 --> 21:44.380 I wish I would have recognized that earlier. 21:44.380 --> 21:47.093 I caused a lot of people pain, I caused myself pain. 21:49.580 --> 21:52.023 That was not my last struggle with depression. 21:53.580 --> 21:55.810 But that was the last time I felt 21:55.810 --> 21:57.954 that ending my life, 21:57.954 --> 21:58.790 (forlorn piano music) 21:58.790 --> 22:00.443 was the only way to end my pain. 22:01.890 --> 22:03.950 What I did differently when I struggled 22:03.950 --> 22:07.620 with depression afterwards, was I recognized it. 22:07.620 --> 22:09.440 I knew when it was getting to be too much, 22:09.440 --> 22:12.830 I knew that feeling, I knew it very well, now. 22:12.830 --> 22:16.760 And I reached out, I called people, talk to me, please. 22:16.760 --> 22:17.720 I'd wake up in the middle of the night, 22:17.720 --> 22:20.600 and I'd bother people in the middle of the night. 22:20.600 --> 22:23.590 'Cause I knew, I needed someone to either talk to me, 22:23.590 --> 22:25.600 or be with me, or stay with me. 22:25.600 --> 22:27.050 I didn't want to go back there, 22:27.050 --> 22:28.300 that was a horrible place to be. 22:28.300 --> 22:30.960 Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. 22:30.960 --> 22:32.980 There was no way I was gettin' back there. 22:32.980 --> 22:37.980 But it didn't stop, the fact that, I had depression. 22:39.350 --> 22:42.693 And that sometimes, I need help. 22:44.170 --> 22:47.093 I now know that, I now recognize it. 22:48.240 --> 22:49.860 - Everybody thinks that they know better, 22:49.860 --> 22:50.930 than what they're being told, 22:50.930 --> 22:52.660 so when I was in that position, 22:52.660 --> 22:55.440 I'm like, no I'm different that's not how I grieve, 22:55.440 --> 22:57.830 that's not how I wanna do this. 22:57.830 --> 22:59.220 So yeah, I should've reached out, 22:59.220 --> 23:01.150 I should've gave myself time to grieve, 23:01.150 --> 23:03.070 I should've just been doing all the things 23:03.070 --> 23:06.350 that we're told to do all the time, but it's just, 23:06.350 --> 23:09.150 in the moment, you feel like the world wants you 23:09.150 --> 23:11.470 to move on faster than you're ready to. 23:11.470 --> 23:13.120 And that couldn't be farther from the truth. 23:13.120 --> 23:16.210 At least in my experience, I mean, everybody was willing 23:16.210 --> 23:18.730 to take the time for me to heal, and grieve, 23:18.730 --> 23:20.160 and do whatever I needed to do, 23:20.160 --> 23:21.680 and they were there to help me. 23:21.680 --> 23:24.680 But in my mind, I just felt like I just had to be, 23:24.680 --> 23:27.030 I had to be operational as quick as possible, 23:27.030 --> 23:28.783 and that's not the truth. 23:30.480 --> 23:33.820 - A lot of people can't understand in a civilian world, 23:33.820 --> 23:38.820 it's like, the military is just a whole different beast. 23:39.780 --> 23:41.950 So somethin' in the civilian world 23:41.950 --> 23:43.760 that might not be a big deal, 23:43.760 --> 23:46.200 can be huge on the military side. 23:46.200 --> 23:47.910 So having people that understand that, 23:47.910 --> 23:50.030 and understand like you know, we have our core values, 23:50.030 --> 23:52.963 we have somethin', excellence in all we do. 23:53.830 --> 23:56.740 We have a certain standard that we're expected to uphold, 23:56.740 --> 23:59.180 and so obviously any time you fall short of that, 23:59.180 --> 24:02.680 it's disappointing, disappointing in general, 24:02.680 --> 24:04.560 disappointment in yourself. 24:04.560 --> 24:05.920 So I think it's important to have people 24:05.920 --> 24:09.390 that can understand, like, why it's such a big deal, 24:09.390 --> 24:11.320 when people in the civilian world might not. 24:11.320 --> 24:13.320 And then I think it's important, you know, 24:13.320 --> 24:15.160 you're surrounded by 'em. 24:15.160 --> 24:18.200 You come to work, you see 'em, they're there, 24:18.200 --> 24:20.210 like I said, for me, holidays, weekends, 24:20.210 --> 24:22.090 I see them more than I see my family sometimes. 24:22.090 --> 24:24.390 So having at least one wingman, 24:24.390 --> 24:25.560 someone that you can talk to, 24:25.560 --> 24:28.930 someone that can understand your daily life when it comes 24:28.930 --> 24:32.590 to work and just the expectations that are put upon you, 24:32.590 --> 24:34.770 I think it's really important. 24:34.770 --> 24:37.210 - Whether you were still talkin' about bein' angry 24:37.210 --> 24:41.760 about the why, or you were just talkin' about things 24:41.760 --> 24:45.140 that happened, you have to be able 24:45.140 --> 24:47.200 to share that experience with someone. 24:47.200 --> 24:49.260 - One thing, this kinda stuck with me from a while back, 24:49.260 --> 24:51.260 is this one colonel told me, 24:51.260 --> 24:53.670 on our uniform we wear two last names, 24:53.670 --> 24:55.210 we got the last name we're born with, 24:55.210 --> 24:57.050 and we got a last name that we choose, 24:57.050 --> 24:58.711 and they're both our families. 24:58.711 --> 25:02.590 And in that situation we needed our air force family. 25:02.590 --> 25:05.420 - So much like, if someone in our family passed, 25:05.420 --> 25:07.680 or whatever the case may be, or somethin's goin' on, 25:07.680 --> 25:10.410 birthday, you name it, anything, 25:10.410 --> 25:13.210 you come together, and that's what we do. 25:13.210 --> 25:15.330 - As you're talkin' in a group, 25:15.330 --> 25:18.560 with everybody around you may not talk as close 25:18.560 --> 25:22.240 and near as dear to your heart as you may sitting 25:22.240 --> 25:25.110 in the setting with maybe just the three of us. 25:25.110 --> 25:29.303 And that's okay, it's whatever means you need, 25:30.570 --> 25:35.070 to be able to voice your heart, 25:35.070 --> 25:37.780 how your heart feels in that point in time. 25:37.780 --> 25:42.000 - There's no cookie cutter to grief 25:42.000 --> 25:44.480 and how a person handles it. 25:44.480 --> 25:49.300 There's no from A to Z, you could be at step A, 25:49.300 --> 25:53.940 and skip on to step Z, but yet you're gonna go back 25:53.940 --> 25:56.610 and circle through all the steps. 25:56.610 --> 25:59.040 You can hope that it would just be, 25:59.040 --> 26:01.020 it starts here it ends there, 26:01.020 --> 26:04.670 but no, it's all kinds of squiggles. 26:04.670 --> 26:09.670 And it's okay, it's okay to go back, to retract, 26:10.120 --> 26:15.120 and end up taking steps backwards because you need that. 26:15.720 --> 26:18.830 Because of the fact you never know when you're going 26:18.830 --> 26:22.423 to need others, makin' sure you have, 26:23.850 --> 26:27.440 relationships established, don't be a loner, 26:27.440 --> 26:29.750 because, bottom line, you just never know 26:29.750 --> 26:30.960 when you're gonna need others, 26:30.960 --> 26:33.170 or when others are gonna need you. 26:33.170 --> 26:36.230 So make yourself available, and know, 26:36.230 --> 26:39.180 that others will be available for you, also. 26:39.180 --> 26:41.510 - Connectivity out here is the biggest resource, 26:41.510 --> 26:44.060 I think, this base provides. 26:44.060 --> 26:47.060 Out here we rely on one another, we put our lives 26:47.060 --> 26:51.610 in each other's hands overseas, but if we can't open up, 26:51.610 --> 26:54.190 and be vulnerable to one another, in a time of crisis 26:54.190 --> 26:57.630 at home, I think we're missin' a big part of the mission. 26:57.630 --> 27:01.940 I went a year without talking, and that's doing a disservice 27:01.940 --> 27:05.520 to my wingmen, by not lettin' know that somethin's goin' on. 27:05.520 --> 27:07.730 Somethin's wrong, or there's a crisis in my life 27:07.730 --> 27:12.650 that needs to be addressed and by not discussing it, 27:12.650 --> 27:14.280 I'm lacking in the wingman concept, 27:14.280 --> 27:15.790 because it is a two way street. 27:15.790 --> 27:17.020 It's not just goin' out and askin' everybody 27:17.020 --> 27:19.372 if everything's okay, if you have somethin' goin' 27:19.372 --> 27:21.890 on you need to communicate it to one of your wingmen, 27:21.890 --> 27:22.990 it's a two way street. 27:26.140 --> 27:30.040 - The biggest piece of advice is to not shut down 27:30.040 --> 27:34.490 and close yourself off from people, and resources, 27:34.490 --> 27:36.239 and try to deal with it yourself. 27:36.239 --> 27:37.870 (forlorn violin music) 27:37.870 --> 27:42.870 Talk to people, talk to anybody, please don't ever believe 27:44.142 --> 27:45.540 (forlorn violin music) 27:45.540 --> 27:47.332 that you're alone in that fight, 27:47.332 --> 27:49.264 (forlorn violin music) 27:49.264 --> 27:50.830 and that no one wants to hear it, 27:50.830 --> 27:52.170 or they don't understand you. 27:52.170 --> 27:55.974 They may not fully understand what you're going through, 27:55.974 --> 27:57.693 but they can probably help you, find someone to help you, 27:59.620 --> 28:01.083 to be with you sometimes, 28:01.980 --> 28:05.653 just having someone with you is what it takes. 28:07.100 --> 28:10.123 - I used to think in terms of the things 28:10.123 --> 28:11.420 that I can accomplish. 28:11.420 --> 28:14.306 What can I do, what do I have the power to do? 28:14.306 --> 28:17.930 My strength how can I do this. 28:17.930 --> 28:20.870 And very kinda in a way self-centered, 28:20.870 --> 28:25.870 and that may be fighter pilot, or it might just be the male 28:26.010 --> 28:27.620 in our society sort of thing. 28:27.620 --> 28:32.040 But I learned through Sonny's accident how everybody's sort 28:32.040 --> 28:34.890 of connected, and you need that connection, 28:34.890 --> 28:38.540 you cannot do things by yourself, you've got to have 28:38.540 --> 28:41.420 that connection, you gotta use those connections. 28:41.420 --> 28:45.880 I think, now I tell folks, that it's your relationships 28:45.880 --> 28:47.390 that move ya through life. 28:47.390 --> 28:51.010 It's not about this, the reason you're here on the planet, 28:51.010 --> 28:54.580 I honestly believe, is your relationships. 28:54.580 --> 28:56.890 Family and the people around ya, 28:56.890 --> 28:58.390 the people that ya care about. 28:59.630 --> 29:02.610 This all kinda came to a head for me, 29:02.610 --> 29:04.720 the most painful phone call I've ever had 29:04.720 --> 29:05.920 to make in my life. 29:05.920 --> 29:08.740 This happened the day after the accident, 29:08.740 --> 29:12.780 we've got just the smallest number of details, 29:12.780 --> 29:14.200 but I've gotta make that phone call 29:14.200 --> 29:16.440 to Sonny's family back home. 29:16.440 --> 29:21.440 To his mom and dad, Jean and Marv, back at the farmhouse, 29:22.460 --> 29:23.503 out in Henry County. 29:24.350 --> 29:27.650 And you know, it's late at night, because I'm trying 29:27.650 --> 29:29.830 to make the time change work, so that I'm calling them 29:29.830 --> 29:33.190 at a reasonable hour, I'm all alone in my room, 29:33.190 --> 29:34.910 and I'm pickin' up that phone, 29:34.910 --> 29:36.860 and I'm just dreading this phone call, 29:36.860 --> 29:38.168 it's just gonna be a horrible, 29:38.168 --> 29:41.570 painful, traumatic phone call. 29:41.570 --> 29:45.210 So I tried to be really organized, and give them, 29:45.210 --> 29:49.430 just like you'd think, here's the details that I know, 29:49.430 --> 29:52.170 I'll pass on all the information that I have available, 29:52.170 --> 29:55.770 and here's the sequence of things, and we're in the process 29:55.770 --> 30:00.230 now of getting Sonny ready to travel back home to you, 30:00.230 --> 30:02.320 and then we've got an airplane scheduled tomorrow, 30:02.320 --> 30:03.250 it's gonna be at this time, 30:03.250 --> 30:04.660 it's gonna arrive at these locations. 30:04.660 --> 30:07.520 And Jean, Sonny's mom, interrupted me in the middle 30:07.520 --> 30:11.260 of this kind of dissertation on all these things 30:11.260 --> 30:14.160 that we're doin', and she only wanted to know one thing. 30:14.160 --> 30:16.633 She only wanted to know, is Sonny gonna be alone? 30:17.904 --> 30:22.840 And I just stopped, and I instantly recognized 30:22.840 --> 30:25.710 what she was saying, she was still worried about her son. 30:25.710 --> 30:28.190 She was still worried about him being alone 30:28.190 --> 30:29.630 in this long journey. 30:29.630 --> 30:32.930 I mean the most difficult journey of all, she's worried 30:32.930 --> 30:35.914 that Sonny, is gonna be alone, during that journey. 30:35.914 --> 30:39.380 I immediately jumped in and said absolutely not, 30:39.380 --> 30:42.250 the escort stays with him all the time. 30:42.250 --> 30:46.480 He will never be alone, that entire time 30:46.480 --> 30:49.160 that he's on that airplane, he arrives at Dover, 30:49.160 --> 30:51.580 he will never be alone, I promise you that. 30:51.580 --> 30:53.150 And that's all she wanted to know. 30:53.150 --> 30:54.560 That's all she needed to hear, 30:54.560 --> 30:57.940 was that Sonny was being taken care of. 30:57.940 --> 30:59.190 That somebody was gonna be with him. 30:59.190 --> 31:03.890 And it occurred to me that, that was because Jean knew, 31:03.890 --> 31:06.110 that it was that connection, that was a relationship 31:06.110 --> 31:10.150 with other people that was what was really important here. 31:10.150 --> 31:14.833 That was the, she knew in a fundamental level that, 31:15.910 --> 31:19.250 she just needed to have her son with somebody. 31:19.250 --> 31:23.920 There had to be some closeness, personal relationship, 31:23.920 --> 31:27.841 right there, and not break that, don't be alone. 31:27.841 --> 31:30.130 And from that, I learned 31:30.130 --> 31:35.130 that the most important single moment, that's the thought 31:36.230 --> 31:38.521 that came forward, and I thought, well, that's it, 31:38.521 --> 31:42.070 that's clearly the answer, that is our relationships, 31:42.070 --> 31:44.550 it is our closeness with each other, that is the thing 31:44.550 --> 31:46.240 that we cannot do without. 31:46.240 --> 31:49.410 Jean knew it instinctively and I learned that, 31:49.410 --> 31:52.113 from that conversation. 31:53.477 --> 31:55.810 That relationship with each other, 31:55.810 --> 31:57.780 that's where you get the comfort and strength, 31:57.780 --> 32:00.620 that's what allows ya to have strength, 32:00.620 --> 32:02.240 and then to be resilient. 32:02.240 --> 32:04.550 Didn't know it until that time. 32:04.550 --> 32:06.990 I always thought about it in terms of myself, 32:06.990 --> 32:10.060 and I learned from Jean on that phone call, no it's not 32:10.060 --> 32:12.760 about you, it's about our relationships, 32:12.760 --> 32:14.420 it's about being with each other. 32:14.420 --> 32:17.810 And don't be alone, when you need, when you're hurt, 32:17.810 --> 32:22.810 don't be alone, duh, it struck me right then. 32:24.098 --> 32:27.348 (forlorn piano music)