Photo By Staff Sgt. Parker Dubois | A U.S. Army Soldier poses for a photo to show her support for sexual assault survivors...... read more read more
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Editor’s note: Due the nature of these testimonies, the U.S. service members’ names have been withheld. Unrestricted reporting procedures were used by both individuals and the accusers were discharged from their respective military branch.
No matter how many times she said no, he continued. All she wanted was to be anywhere but there.
Now, two years later, she often finds herself still reliving that moment.
“At work if I was zoning out, I was probably going back to the memory,” said the U.S. Air Force Senior Airman, as she looked down at the floor, recounting the day at Ramstein Air Base, Germany, when she became a victim of sexual assault.
They said ‘no.’
“I think he was getting turned on by me telling him ‘no,’ and he wasn’t going to stop,” said the Senior Airman. “I tried to pull myself off him and that’s when he got angry. He dragged me back by my hips, he put his forearm on my back and just held me there.”
The Airman said she tried to keep from being present in the moment, disassociating herself and thinking about activities that she needed to do the next day. Immediately after the assault, she noted the deep bruising along her hips. She was bleeding and a chunk of her hair was missing. She crawled into a ball and cried, realizing what damage had been done, externally and internally.
Sitting alongside the Airman, a U.S. Army Specialist recalled a similar experience in her dorm room at Fort Hood, Texas.
“He rolled on top of me and I fought, of course, but he was heavy,” said the Specialist. “I still thought that I had control of the situation, that I could stop it if I wanted to. But when I asked him if he knew what ‘no’ meant, he told me, ‘No means yes and yes means yes,’ and he laughed in my face. That’s when I became afraid for the first time.”
The assault would change the way she perceives the world around her.
The Aftermath
The fear that resulted from her assault, said the Specialist, has immobilized her from enjoying activities she once participated in, driven mostly by a fear of men and large crowds.
“Most of my personality has changed,” she said. “I laughed a lot. I went to parties a lot, I went out a lot. I enjoyed that stuff and I loved traveling. My biggest thing was I always wanted to see something new. Now, I have a heightened fear that keeps me from what I used to really enjoy.”
While listening, the Airman added that connecting with others became difficult for the her. She consistently rejected invitations to hang-out because of the memories that certain environments evoked.
“I guess because I met my rapist at a club, a place I used to enjoy, I don’t really go out as much anymore,” the Airman said. “When I [arrived at Langley], one of my coworkers would always invite me out to parties and I would always be like, ‘oh, I’m busy.’ It’s hard because the drinking, being around people in a very hypersexualized environment, like a house party or going to the club, it just reminds me of my own experience.”
For the Airman, it was easier to fabricate a reason to deny the invitations from her new coworkers than reveal the true cause.
The Specialist’s unit was aware of her assault and as a result, she recognized a shift in her team’s dynamic.
“A lot of people were uncomfortable around me,” said the Soldier. “I didn’t have as many people talk to me. The males wouldn’t look me in the eye and the females that did talk to me, only did it for a short period of time.”
Feeling isolated and alone, the Specialist said she felt the need to speak-up to others about how to care for survivors of sexual assault.
Changing the conversation
Approximately a year after her assault, the Specialist began telling her story with the goal of providing a face to such traumas.
“It’s important [to speak-up], because who else is going to show our side of it?” she asked. “They always bring up that one scenario where you’re going to get drugged so watch your drink and it doesn’t happen. I was completely sober, he was completely sober, it was the middle of the day. It doesn’t happen in just one scenario and I think people just need to be more careful and to watch each other.”
The idea of keeping an eye on one another rang especially true for the Senior Airman, whose best friend helped her cope after the assault.
“Have someone there who grounds you. Your headspace is just going to be clouded with lots and lots of thoughts,” she said. “For myself, personally, thoughts of suicide, all of the time; flashbacks of my assault, all of the time; but having someone to check on you [can make a difference.] We need to teach more people to reach out to those who have been affected by sexual assault.”
For the first six months, the Airman felt like she was only seen as a victim by those around her. Now, through growth and healing, she aspires to change the conversation about sexual assault.
“We are not perpetual victims, we were victimized at one point, but we don’t have to stay in that box forever,” said the Airman. “I’m not a victim anymore. I’ve grown from it, I’ve learned from it, and I’m trying to move on.”
The Specialist echoed her sentiments by saying, “We are not victims. A survivor is what you really are.”
For more information about the Sexual Harassment, Assault Response and Prevention program or to contact the Fort Eustis SHARP office, call 501-7052, or for the Langley Air Force Base Sexual Assault Response Prevention program, call 764-7272.
| Date Taken: | 04.17.2017 |
| Date Posted: | 04.17.2017 16:20 |
| Story ID: | 230630 |
| Location: | NEWPORT NEWS, VA, US |
| Web Views: | 152 |
| Downloads: | 0 |
This work, From victims to survivors: changing the conversation about sexual assault, by SSgt Parker Dubois, identified by DVIDS, must comply with the restrictions shown on https://www.dvidshub.net/about/copyright.
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