Domestic Violence: Speak up, be part of the solution

Photo By Laurie Pearson | Artwork created by families participating in the art exhibit "A Window Between Worlds" is displayed at the Desert Sanctuary courtyard during their open house event held in Barstow, Calif., Oct. 5. The open house allowed Desert Sanctuary staff and members to thank community and service agencies for their support in assisting victims of domestic violence.  

BARSTOW, CA, UNITED STATES

10.13.2016

Story by Laurie Pearson  

Marine Corps Logistics Base Barstow

As part of this month’s focus on Domestic Violence Prevention and Awareness, Victor Rivas Rivers, an actor, athlete, activist and author was invited to talk with Marines and civilians about his troubled childhood and his road to survival and salvation during a presentation at the Maj. Gen. James L. Day Conference Center aboard Marine Corps Logistics Base Barstow, Calif., Oct. 6.
His life story is spelled out in his book, “A Private Family Matter: a Memoir” in which he portrays his life, racked with abuse at the hands of a “the madman,” his father.
“There were scars on my body I could identify and enumerate a chronicle of my thefts – marks given to me at ages four, five, seven, eight, ten, and so on – because, I was told, I deserved to be punished.”
He recounted tales of verbal and emotional abuse, even kidnapping, which he and his siblings and mother endured at the hands of a violent, crazed man. Even their brief attempts to get assistance from law enforcement were unsuccessful with the police saying it was “a private family matter,” hence the title of his book of memoirs.
Rather than follow in the footsteps of his father, as so many children do, Rivers embraced the help of those in his life whom he deems “angels” put in his path by God to help him, protect him, feed him and guide him. Not all children are so lucky.
“Three quarters of society has either been a victim or know a victim of domestic violence,” said Angelica Mora, victim advocate for MCLB Barstow. “What happens a lot is once the children see the abuse or once the children are abused themselves then that’s when the victim feels like they can leave, or like they have a real reason to get out.”
Unfortunately, the damage may well have already been deeply embedded into the child’s behavioral wiring.
“Sometimes the boys will identify with the aggressor,” said James Maher, section head of Behavioral Health for MCLB Barstow. “Sometimes when girls grow up in that type of environment, it’s almost like its normal and it’s something that’s almost expected.”
“The younger the children are, the more it affects them,” Mora said. “We tend to think that children are resilient and so they’re going to be okay. The truth is, it has more of an effect on that infant than it will on an older child. You just don’t see it until they get older. They become physically violent, or they have mental health issues or physical issues. It has been proven that children who live in homes where physical violence is present, if they don’t get help for it, they tend to die younger. They have heart disease, etc.”
Center for Disease Control published information about Adverse Childhood Experiences studies.
“If children grow up in a home with these factors, the more factors that are in the home, the more chances, not only that they’re going to develop a mental health problem, but physical problem too, such as heart conditions, cancer,” Maher said. “It’s stress on the body and that stress will go to whatever the weakest point in a body. Domestic violence is one of those factors.”
“In a situation where maybe the parents are yelling and screaming at each other, the child picks that up, and it affects their nervous systems,” Maher said. “Over time, if it’s chronic, it can have long-term effects. Kids are forming an impression of the world at the time, and if they feel that the world is scary and frightening, then that’s their view of the world.”
Despite common assumptions, one in four women will be a victim of domestic assault in their lifetime, explained Mora, and one in seven men.
“It’s a lot higher for men,” she said. “They just don’t report it as often. Three fourths of the population either knows somebody or has been a victim of domestic violence.”
Another common misconception is that the victims are always women.
“Anyone can be a victim,” said Col. Sekou S. Karega, base commander, as he introduced Rivers before his presentation. “No one deserves to be abused.”
“There is some research posted on Facebook,” said Carla Torres, licensed clinician at Behavioral Health for MCLB Barstow. “First it was a guy (attacking) a woman, and people would react, and come up to them and ask him what he’s doing and ask if she is okay. When they reversed it, and the woman was beating on the guy, no one came up to her (to intervene) or to him to see if he was okay.”
Whether it’s a man or a woman, violence is unacceptable.
“In no instances should love hurt” said Rivers.
In an abusive relationship there is a common cycle: honeymoon, build-up then outburst. During the honeymoon phase, everything seems great and partners seem happy and in love, explained Mora. Then in the build-up phase, there is a building of pressure and stress in the relationship which then lead to the outburst which in the case of domestic violence becomes, over time, a physically violent act. Not all abuse is physical though.
In the cycle of abusive “Power and Control,” as described by The Duluth Model, abuse is outlined in several manners to include: emotional abuse; intimidation; isolation; minimizing, denying and blaming; threats regarding children or pets; coercion and threats against self or others.
The Duluth Model, was created in a small community in northern Minnesota as a way to change perspectives on how a community can work together to end domestic violence and they provide training to clinicians from all over the country. Opposite of the “Power and Control” wheel, is the healthy “Equality” wheel of non-violence which teaches the following: respect; trust and support; honesty and accountability; responsible parenting; shared responsibility; economic partnership; negotiation and fairness; non-threatening behavior.
“People can change,” said Maher. “They can change their belief system by first understanding why they farm the beliefs that they hold. Some people are raised with a theory of dominance wherein respect is equal to obedience.”
This change is what Rivers embraced at the tender age of 15 while he was escaping his father’s wrath and embracing the kindness of people he calls his angels.
From a teacher buying him a meal card so that his father couldn’t starve him, or a friend’s father who happened to be an attorney, step-by-step, Rivers felt a pull toward a better life. When asked how to break the chain of abuse, Rivers said it was his Faith.
“I had faith in a higher power,” he said. “I had faith in myself.”
People reached out to him and taught him that he was a good human being worthy of being loved and worthy of loving in return. These lessons he now speaks about to others in hopes of encouraging them to follow in his shoes.
“Break that chain,” he said as if a call to action. If you’re not the one being abused, you may in fact be the angel in someone else’s life. Reach out to those in need.
Find or be an advocate for someone suffering abuse.
“Have faith,” he said. “Talk. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to just listen.”
If you or someone you know are in need of assistance, contact the Family Advocacy Program at 760-577-6533 or the Victim Advocate Hotline at 760-577-6484.

• Date Taken: 10.13.2016
• Date Posted: 10.18.2016 13:11
• Story ID: 212275
• Location: BARSTOW, CA, US
• Hometown: APPLE VALLEY, CA, US
• Hometown: BARSTOW, CA, US
• Hometown: HESPERIA, CA, US
• Hometown: LOS ANGELES, CA, US
• Hometown: VICTORVILLE, CA, US