Photo By Sgt. William White | Col. Michael O Lacey, legal adviser for International Security Assistance Force Joint...... read more read more
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(Article written as satire)
KABUL, Afghanistan –The International Security Assistance Force Joint Command legal staff is seeking action to end the ukulele exploits of Col. Michael Lacey.
“I think it’s fair to say that there’s a general sense of dread around the office,” said British Royal Navy Lt. Commander David Goddard, operational law legal advisor for IJC.
Goddard describes a distinct daily ritual where the ukulele disrupts workflow and production.
“The first indication is a period of silence, followed by a single ukulele note. That’s usually followed by a callout to “Colonel” Martin of whether or not the thing’s in tune (though, it’s never in tune). This will go on for a while. It doesn’t get in tune, but Colonel Martin will eventually say that it sounds good, and that’s the cue for the actual uke playing to begin.”
Office members have made several attempts to end the ukulele’s appearance.
“We’ve tried hiding the uke,” said one office member who asked to be identified as Songbird. “He just keeps finding it.”
Staff also tried locking Lacey out of the office, but eventually had to let him in to check his email and events calendar.
“We need to find a solution soon,” said Songbird. “We’ve already been through 16 paralegals. We’ve lost one major who self-admitted himself to the hospital, and he still hears the uke at night. It’s just too much to handle.”
Lacey concedes that he needs the ukulele. As the senior legal advisor for IJC, he arrives at work at 7 a.m., and begins revising, editing and advising on all matters legal.
“The work we do is very systematic, very mechanical and after about eight or nine hours, I need to give my mind a break from legal work to something that’s creative and expressive,” Lacey said.
Lacey began searching for a new hobby in June to keep his mind sharp during the long duty days. He decided to learn to play the ukulele, which would give him the creative outlet he needed. He has since practiced daily in and around the IJC legal area. He plays traditional folk music, and believes the office criticism may be due to a lack of appreciation for good music.
“He claims he’s mastered those songs but we believe it to be untrue,” Songbird said. “We’re planning an intervention but we have to be careful of how we approach him. We don’t know what he’s capable of.”
In the meantime, the office has managed to establish a proper venue for the colonel’s uke playing near the entrance of Ablution Block 7 – the largest and most visited restroom facility in the IJC headquarters.
“You cannot believe how many people go in and out of that bathroom in the half hour that I play,” said Lacey. “It’s just epidemic. And everybody has to comment. They’ll say ‘Oh, you’re really good’ or ‘oh, you suck!’ Some will throw money; I don’t like it because it interrupts my practicing. I like to humor my own people, but I can’t humor the whole damn IJC headquarters responding to every Tom, Dick and Harry that wants to comment on my uke playing.”
Lacey insists he is not playing for fame or profit, but Songbird believes he is planning to trade in the life of a judge advocate general officer for a simpler trade.
“I think his lifelong dream is to professionally panhandle on Hay Street in downtown Fayetteville,” said Songbird. “I personally don’t see it happening. He tried playing for the council of colonels here last week and now he’s banned from playing there.”
The colonel accepts that the office may never appreciate his unconventional hobby preference, but said it won’t diminish his goals.
“I’d like to keep it up when I go back to Bragg,” he said. “I’d like to find two or three guys with other instruments who want to play the same type of music. There isn’t much opportunity to be creative in the military and this gives me a chance to be creative, it’s relaxing and it’s just a good outlet.”
Despite the accusation of office disruption, research has shown an increase in office production. Goddard offered a possible explanation.
“I suppose it does make me want to get my work done faster,” he said.
Lacey acknowledges the general objection to his uke playing, but maintains that the office criticism is just in good fun.
“It is a little weird, I’ll admit, a colonel out there playing the ukulele, but I can tell their criticism is good natured” he said. “I act like I’m hurt or like I don’t understand, but truthfully, I’m happy to give my people something to make fun of. It’s a good barometer of a healthy office when the people are able to cover their ears and scream in pain.”
Lacey encourages Soldiers to practice their hobbies regardless of office support. He also asks that passersby and visitors to Ablution 7 kindly keep their opinions of his uke playing to themselves.
| Date Taken: | 08.09.2014 |
| Date Posted: | 08.22.2014 08:42 |
| Story ID: | 140118 |
| Location: | KABUL, AF |
| Hometown: | OLNEY, IL, US |
| Web Views: | 422 |
| Downloads: | 0 |
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