Chaplains augment basics, offer relationship workshops to prepare Soldiers returning home

By Sgt. Mike Alberts
3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division Public Affairs

KIRKUK, Iraq – Soldiers at war adapt to the rigors of 24-hour operations in a combat zone. They absorb the stress, anxiety and fear that accompanies deployment to remain mission capable. They condition themselves to be hyper-vigilant in all of their affairs; doing so is a matter of survival.

Now – after fifteen months in Iraq -- they're returning home, a place where, for many, "normal" isn't normal anymore. Chaplains of the 25th Infantry Division's 3rd Brigade Combat Team recognize the life-change that accompanies redeployment. To ease the transition home, brigade chaplains offered a Relationship Enhancement Workshop series to Soldiers at Forward Operating Base Warrior, Kirkuk, Iraq.

Over a period of five weeks, on consecutive Fridays, Soldiers participated in seminars addressing the topics of marriage, sex and intimacy, parenting, forgiveness and finances in anticipation of reuniting with family and friends.

"We've recognized over the years and after redeploying ourselves that going home and reintegrating is not automatic," said Chaplain (Maj.) Scott Sterling, brigade chaplain, 3BCT. "There are some very serious issues that Soldiers and their family members face upon return from theater," continued Sterling. "These workshops supplement our very basic reintegration classes to provide Soldiers with more time to consider important relationship issues that they may face and to better identify available resources."

"We've been operating in another realm of existence since we've been here," added Chaplain (Capt.) Scott Smith, battalion chaplain, 3rd Battalion, 7th Field Artillery Regiment, 3BCT. "We've not been able to enjoy the quality of life that we enjoyed back home or able to build and sustain relationships as we normally would have," he emphasized. "Above all, with each of the topics covered during this series, we must understand that life at home must become our new 'normal.' We need to be reminded what it means to be in a normal world, and in a relationship where we are actually around the people that we love."

For married couples and others in intimate relationships, Sterling and Smith both stressed that building and developing strong intimate relationships requires a commitment of ongoing communication.

"(Each partner) must communicate to the other that there is nothing more important than meeting their deepest, emotional needs," said Sterling. "Therefore, you must learn what those needs are and how to meet them. There is no happier scenario when (both partners) are working intentionally to meet each other's needs," he said.

Sterling's colleague agreed.

"To fully enjoy sex and intimacy as we were designed requires an emotional connection," said Smith. "There are no exclusives, but men have a propensity to focus on the sexual act. Women tend to need the more intimate interactions," he said. "My advice is to find middle ground. Be aware of your sense of self and your needs, communicate those to your (partner), and listen and address your (partner's) needs."

Redeploying parents learned that they should "take time to spend time" with each child, individually, and continue to love their children enough to appropriately discipline them. For those dealing with forgiveness issues, of paramount importance is the realization that forgiveness is not an emotion but a conscious choice. Soldiers were asked to consider, "Is holding onto the emotion of anger more damaging to the relationship than letting go?" Finally, Soldiers were cautioned that they will be earning less money, and were encouraged to create written budgets and not overspend.

One of the dozens of Soldiers who benefited from the brigade's Relationship Enhancement Workshop series was Spc. Juan F. Jimenez, Headquarters Headquarters Company, 3BCT.

"When I got back from Iraq after my first deployment, we didn't have these classes and I wasn't prepared," said Jimenez. "I didn't realize that my daughter was no longer that one-year-old that I left behind. She was now walking and talking. My wife had also changed," he continued.

"These classes help you understand that everything has changed. Not only have you changed, but your family has changed as well," he said. "Your (spouse) or child hasn't been at war, but they've had to deal with all kinds of other stresses and issues that you haven't. Those stresses are just as real. The classes help you appreciate issues (from their perspective)."